


Before We Say Goodnight

by agent85



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Discussion of AIDA, Discussion of Past Abuse, Established Relationship, F/M, Spoilers for 4x21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 06:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent85/pseuds/agent85
Summary: "It’s okay," he says. "I couldn’t sleep anyway."She knows she needs to tell him something, but it all seems too big."I'm sorry," he says. "I know it must be hard to—""Fitz.""I love you," he tells her, his own tears shining in his eyes. "I never stopped, Jemma. I know what I said, but I never stopped."[Spoilers for 4x21]





	Before We Say Goodnight

**Author's Note:**

> From a prompt by anonymous: "It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway" and “Go back to sleep.”
> 
> A big thanks to [etoilesdeglace](http://etoilesdeglace.tumblr.com/) for helping me come up with a title!

She tries to push the pain away, but it settles in her stomach, churning into a pit of lava that stays in place when she shifts to her side. She's facing away from him now, and it she hates how necessary it is, hates how the waves of pain and nausea crash through her body and leak down her face. She cries as quietly as she can, knowing he still needs to heal, hoping she won't do much more to impede his progress.

The hand on her shoulder tells her that she failed.

"Jemma?"

She quiets herself and forces a smile. "I'm fine, Fitz," she lies. "Go back to sleep."

The hand leaves her shoulder, but doesn't disappear; he's hovering above her, she knows. He's being the good man he's always been.

"It’s okay," he says. "I couldn’t sleep anyway."

She knows she needs to tell him something, but it all seems too big.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I know it must be hard to—"

_"Fitz."_

"I love you," he tells her, his own tears shining in his eyes. "I never stopped, Jemma. I know what I said, but I never stopped."

This is what makes her turn to him, the crack in his voice that tears her in two. No one told her that love would be like this, that his pain would be as urgent as her own. She takes the sides of his face by necessity, clinging to him like a lifeline. There was a time when he made a confession like this, when the salt of his tears were a harbinger of the sacrifice he was going to make. She kisses him the way she did then, starting at one ear and making her way towards the other, showing him she feels the same way. She ends at his lips this time, hoping her sparks will catch fire. He pulls back, looking at her with confusion as the flames die out.

"You're a good man, Fitz."

These are the words they say to each other now: _I'm sorry, you're a good man, I hurt you, it wasn't you, I love you, I love you._ This time, she knows it's not enough.

"I wish I could have saved you," she adds; "I keep trying, but I—"

His confusion turns to concern as she looks back at him, but he should know this as well as she does. How many times has she reached out to soothe his pain and wounded him instead?

"Jemma."

"You've saved me so many times, Fitz. I tried to jump through a hole in the universe for you, and I still couldn't—"

He cups her face with both hands, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. "You're the one who keeps saying it wasn't real."

She smiles, but it's the smile she gives when she hates herself, when she's trying to cover the pain. He frowns the way he does when he knows.

"I've been thinking about it, Jemma. About AIDA." His eyes are so clear, so blue. "She didn't have any creativity, before. She only had my memories. She got close to me by copying the things you did that made me fall for you." He scoots in until he's impossibly close, nose to nose and eye to eye. "Everything I loved about her came from you. It was always you."

She closes her eyes, remembering the scorn on Ward's face. "Except . . ."

"Except," he agrees, his voice straining. "Except you just wanted to be my friend. She wanted me for . . . she knew I was the only person who could . . ." 

She opens her eyes to see his forehead crinkle, to see the confusion, pain, and realization come at once. 

"She needed me to build that machine, Jemma. I keep thinking about it, but it's right there. She told me herself she never loved me, just pretended to." This, she notes, doesn't bring him pain. "You told me once that all men have a weakness."

She's not sure what he means until she remembers, that day on the Bus when another woman used him against her. Seems like two lifetimes ago.

"I shouldn't have said that." She winces at her former self. "It was insensitive of me."

"No," he says, "no Jemma, it's true. She knew how to make me fall in love and she drew me in, exploited my weakness. Used my father and my memories of you to turn me into the man who would build her machine."

She takes the hands from her face and holds them tight. 

"You didn't make me," he concludes. "You never—you didn't try to shape me, like they did."

"Fitz," she says, looking down at their clasped hands, "why would I need to?"

That's when she sees it—the sparkle in his eyes that always makes her knees go weak.

"You loved me." he says. "Right from the beginning, long before you fell in love with me you . . . you saw something in me. Something good." He brings her hands to his lips, and she wants to cry. "You encouraged me to be a better person. You didn't program me, Jemma, but you did save me. Just," he says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, "slowly. Not with one heroic act, but with years of faith in what I could do. That's the way you love." The corner of his mouth quirks up with pride, and the tears make his eyes shine. "I wish I could give that love back to you."

"I don't need that love." She says it quickly, but somehow she knows that it's true. She was born with confidence and a father who cemented it. "I don't need that love, Fitz. I need yours. I need you for when I fall." She leans into the hand on her cheek and smiles. "I need you for when I'm turned the wrong way. You have a goodness in you, Fitz. I didn't put it there. I don't know what I'd do without it."

It's hard for her to describe what she means—that she believes in something so much she couldn't deny it at gunpoint. That it's constant enough to be the building blocks with which her reality is built. She can stand on her own, but when she has him to lean on, she is infinite.

"I wish I could erase what she did to you," she says. "And your father. They tried to program you, but you went beyond that. The moment you had a choice, you chose your own goodness."

He shakes his head, but his smile puts that sparkle in his eyes. 

"I chose _you_ ," he says. "I always will."

She feels a warmth in her heart and a coolness in her stomach. The lava has fizzled into nothing.

"Same here," she says. "Always."

He leans in to place a kiss on her forehead, and she savors it. He's been taken away from her so many times, but now that she has him, she'll never let him go.

"Feel better?" he asks.

She answers him by pushing him so he lies in his back, then taking her usual spot on his chest. Her arm hangs around his waist, and soon his arms envelop her.

"Better," she says. "Perfect."

She closes her eyes and feels the rhythm of his breaths, of the heart that beats only for her. She's lucky to have that heart, to have the privilege of knowing this man.

"I love you," she breathes, and she hopes that of all his memories in the Framework, he treasures the time she said this to him, when it was her testimony of the goodness still inside of him.

"I love you, Jemma," he says, and it's the sweet sound of affection in his voice, soft as a whisper but strong enough to echo through every cell in her body.

She smiles, knowing how precious this is, letting it fill her with security and peace. 

And when she thinks of what he's become, of what he's helped her to be and what they will one day be together, she is so calm and content that all she needs in the beat of his heart under her palm to finally lull her to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I regularly post sneak peeks and general ramblings about my writing on [my tumblr](http://agent-85.tumblr.com/tagged/Writings%20of%20Agent%2085).


End file.
